Fear

Back in 17 June 2014 ,in a blog post i wrote titled,highly religious people are less motivated by-compassion than are non believers. I had mentioned how i felt i could agree with that suggestion.And said how i would soon try to discuss some of my own experiences.

Then next thing,on the 21st of June.This email message below, was sent to my own email address

Quote

From: Zina,Mary (mzina@rwu.edu)
Sent: Saturday, 21 June 2014 11:44:15 a.m.
To: info@rwu.edu (info@rwu.edu)
Can I have a word with you

First off, i’d say it is pretty likely that the person who had sent me this message, may know me personally.For as far as i can tell, the email address they had used,isn’t displayed anywhere on this blog.

And some years earlier,i had also had someone try to hack into this same email address of mine too.They had chosen to use an approach that some complete fool may have been likely to fall for.They had also used names of certain members of my own family,i’d say, to try and help draw me in

Now i even have a fair idea who this person is actually likely to be too.So why? didn’t i go straight to the police.

Take a read of that blog post, back in 17 th of June 2014, that i already wrote.

Why? have i even (gone back on my word) and continued to resist discussing “my experiences” . Fear ?

No.Compassion.Just the fact, that i don’t even enjoy doing it. Because most people would also hope to be able to feel at least somewhat happy and proud, of those people whom are supposed to care-most about us,right?

Yet i still know that i must surely try to write about all these experiences ive had,at some stage in future.

1.For one thing, i hope that in some way it might also help my own-children, to be able to better understand the way that many things have panned out,for all of us.I hope that some how, it might also help lots of other people, understand  better too

2. How? can things ever begin to change for the better, in future times, if every one of us now, were to choose to just shut up and say nothing

However,it’s not going to be something that i will ever enjoy.

And because of some of the skullduggery that goes on, ive also had to make sure that i do duplicate details and evidence too. So i can keep these sort of details safe elsewhere. Along with all the preliminary attempts that i’ve already made, to start writing about all these experiences.

So sometimes it still shocks me a little, when i read what other people wrote. It’ almost? seems like,sometimes they must think that all our lives have come kinda cookie-cutter style.Sometimes its also pretty obvious that some of these folk are highly educated too . However i also have personal experience of some highly educated folk, whom can still seem to  say and do some pretty irrational stuff

Why? is that

Is it possible that the “educated folk” could be like this. Like,what? about George Bush. An educated person ,yes?.And yet are? all things he will choose to say and do , always completely rational. Reasonable?. Good logic ?

I can’t say it seems so.

And what about that big economy fall, that happened within the USA a while back, that then sent the whole world into recession. Were? the folks whom “engineered” that kind of situation. Likely to be educated folks? . Or did? that stuff, only happen because those American folk had had a country run by the uneducated folk

In regards to one ex eb experience i had.There was one Australian fellow that i was in touch with for awhile.This fellow meant-well, and had wanted me to hurriedly jump the ditch, and move over to Ozzy for work.To me, specially at that time, the idea even sounded pretty good too.

To this particular fellow, the idea must have seemed real easy. This guy scoots all around the world, every now and then.If he want to go somewhere, he just go buys the ticket. And if he even needs to leave somewhere in a rush, he always can, cause he also even has some pretty close family relationships too, whom he can always rely on to be able to still help him out, while he is gone.

But for me. My life has always been somewhat different.

At the time when he had wanted me to just jump on a plane.For me, at that time, it was pretty close to impossible. I had far too many loose ends that still needed so much attention. And pretty much no family either whom i could rely on, to help me out.And there was some situations of tax issues to deal with first, before i can even be allowed to leave the country.And whats more,i have around twenty-something beef on my land, that i cannot just up and leave to go so far away from.I have neighbors next door to my property whom have been continually busy with screwing with my mind ,ripping me off,and have generally been trying to make my life as hard as can possibly be, in most every way they can think of.Because they really want to own my place, that i worked for. With the full knowledge too, that i also have no family to come help out ,when need .And even more

And all this happening. not so very long after the experience of eb review either.A time when my heart already felt like it had already been ripped right out. And not so long after i had also as well been one of many people whom have come unstuck, by this person here .Google this guys name,and see how many folk he has taken to the cleaners. Screwed me right over this guy did, and then i even also got loads of flak too from the very people in which i were employed with at that time. Because i’m not able to be mobile enough,because that mechanics still got my vehicle, which he were supposed to fix. And to them folk i’m evidently just bloody useless, because i just don’t have any way to sort this all out ,quickly enough ,to be there for them.Well not quite as reliably, as they had wanted.Because at the time i’m like their main truck driver, i’m the guy driving the truck and low-loader trailer who is transporting the 10 ton digger around.And so on. And now im having trouble,with traveling to and back home from work

So many times in life i’m being picked on in this way by someone.And then i’m being classed as being bloody useless too, because now i also can’t see a way to sort-out all these kind of situations, quick.And every time i’m feeling picked-on , i’m slowly loosing some more confidence in myself as well . Which then is only seen as me just being too weak and gutless. I begin to fear even trying

To cut a long story short. In the end,even my neighbors have me over a barrel.By now a big part of me wishes i were never even born.I have got all the eb review-stuff i’m still trying to deal with,all the while that i also have so much else on my mind i’m trying to still deal with too.I cant sort things out.I submit to being incapable of dealing with anything much about my life at that time. And so to try and relieve some pressure, i submit to allow my neighbors to just slaughter all my cattle.While other people around the district are busy enjoying a jolly good laugh about it too

Oh how it hurts so very bad.On top of everything else that happening,most of all to also feel like even all your own flesh and blood,just don’t even mind about any of this either. I feel hurt.I feel angry.But most of all i feel ashamed.I begin to wish i could some how change my name.My family

There is even so many more things that i could think to mention here, about all the situations happening at this particular moment in time.But even the need of thinking about it again , is just no fun

Human lives are not cookie cutter.Could? more education have helped me. Yes for sure.But then there are also some valid reasons too, why that never had happened for me. One day, i do intend to try and write all about these things in particular too, in more detail

We humans have no way, for ourselves, to even be able to personally experience what someone else’s life may have been all about

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We can look-out at what we see as details of other people’s lives.We may hear what someone tells us. about it.And yet, will still only have our own life, and experience of our own life, to compare. When it comes to the full facts , of matters

Whats worse. Is that perhaps there may also be some sort of skullduggery at work.Some folks may even have been busy with telling some half-truths about us, or perhaps even complete lies.And then perhaps we are being judged on this information

Why? don’t people think to ask us for our side of the story. Perhaps? they may like hearing the sort of information that they have already been told by someone else. Maybe because? it also “fits in” with what they themselves are also busy wanting to believe about us

On friends alive i was interested to read what some member there had wrote. They said this

Quote Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:01 pm : “One of the problems is that I recognise that brethren can’t just walk out of the cult and everything will be sweet. Lurking tensions that lie just under the surface in unhappy arranged marriages tend to blow apart when released from the entrenched expectation of being stuck in the cult. Fear of the unknown and lack of education are also a worry. Lack of streetwise education because make no bones about it brethren are extremely naive and vulnerable when they first get out; some go a bit crazy and start smoking, doing drugs and generally going a bit mental; usually after a bit unless they are lulled into going back, they settle down to a good life; some of course get locked up in other cults – other ‘only one true right position nonsense’ but in general they are ‘damaged goods’ who take years to unravel and sort themselves out (myself included).
However, that said, for me personally I am so thankful, so grateful and so lucky to have managed to escape what would have been a life of lies, deceit, illhealth – you know it is not normal to drink the way brethren do – just look at the number of alcoholics in there as a little clue. Plus I would have been deprived of amazing travel experiences, enrichment through cultural experiences and the gift of beautiful true friends who have shown a compassion and kindness and honesty which has been just wonderful.” see here

To me ,it looks like this person has obviously been well educated. But yet i’m not sure that all that they have to say there, is rational

In thinking about all the detail of how my own escape from the eb had came about. And then thinking about what also began to occur,soon after i had left, when among some ex eb members of family.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. For me ,it was a little like jumping from the pot into a frying pan. For i had left the eb, but yet the eb mindset, still remained within some close family members of ex eb, outside the cult. I had felt unloved and unwanted inside the cult, felt like i didn’t-fit. Had left to try and find something different outside

Sure i may have escaped the overbearing righteousness that were existing within the eb. Yet outside ,there were still those ex eb within our own family whom were still carrying on with the very-same kind of traditions (more about this some other time). And this tradition ,still continually caused the same old same old, judgmental condemning type approach.Freedom of faith , only existed so long as you knew you would tow the line. and believe what were demanded ,or else be shunned and looked-down upon.There was still those trying to impose “righteous” Christian values .And it doesn’t matter whether you are a believer yourself ,or not.

There are people whom are busy going to church and dobbing their sibling-in , for  matters they see as unrighteousness. All the while sometime quietly, not always being quite so righteous, themselves either

So again i left. I went to try and find some place in which to actually feel welcome and wanted.To feel loved.To escape the ongoing situation.To try and find some way in which to start to heal. And pretty soon i find a place that offers me a place to live and work.But i’m now living among some people whom are maybe not the very best types of people for me to be living among. And i’m being subjected to taunts and ridicule and coercion ,due to the “different” person i have been brought up to be within the eb. And i’m dealing with bullying. And i’m now trying to find some way to fit in. I long to feel welcome, and wanted, that agreeing to drink and smoke ,and even starting to do some drugs too sometimes now and then. I’m living way out in the middle of nowhere, on a huge sheep and cattle station.

What is worse ,is that i’m now also finding out how the drugs i’m using ,are able to help dull some of the pain i’m forced to feel.And so on

But to the person whom wrote this comment above (in friends alive) that iv’e quoted. Seems, i’m just some kind of weak person. I’m just some mental freak evidently, and for none other, than my own fault

So. If any young person is even thinking of leaving the eb. My advice to-them young folk would be, for them to first of all really ask themselves, about exactly what type of people their ex eb family might be like. If there ex eb family are likely to be some of those highly righteous type folk. Then maybe, don’t just expect that you’ll necessarily actually be escaping anything.

And should you still decide to leave. Don’t just expect to be easily understood either, by all ex eb, if you should end up finding your pathway is windy and fraught with pitfalls. Don’t expect that the ex eb crowd , wont ever have retained some rather clicky “groupy” type attitudes. Don’t even bother to expect, that outside among the ex eb, that all people will ever be considered as equals.And last of all, don’t expect that all non eb will even care to see how these kind of problem ,may continue to exist for some

For indeed i feel, that perhaps i might end up doing someone a disservice, if i were to try and pretend it were always ok,for everyone.

I’m both angry, and very sad about those ex eb people, whom have already chosen suicide as a way out of the pain.I can only wonder and guess ,what their own pathway might have been like.But most of all, i can only wish that someone had been able to do something sooner ,so it never had needed to happen

But alas. Sadly i cannot change the past. I can only do what is possible, to try my best, to do what ever i can to help change the future. And if that means i must have some need to become alienated from among ex eb . Then so be it

For there is things that i have found too-hard to deal with in ex eb life. But standing alone ,is not something that scares me so much anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About ExEB

I'm a agnostic/atheist . Interested in learning more about science. I also am an "ex-member" of a group most publicly known within modern times, as the Exclusive Brethren. Whom are an off-shoot of the original Plymouth Brethren group. I'd say it likely my personality could possibly be described as quirky.You know ,as in being , unconventional , unorthodox , unusual, off-centre, strange, bizarre, weird, peculiar, odd, freakish, outlandish, offbeat, out of the ordinary, bohemian, alternative, zany I'm sure iv'e been classed as "crazy" . Many times But then, being born into a group like the exclusive brethren. Doesn't lend itself ? to tend to produce things considered as being "very normal" .Does it I escaped the Exclusive Brethren cult as a 15 year old teenager. Even since that time iv'e been trying to adjust to living life outside the cult. With much of my life being lived within the genre of "wild colonial boy" style. In the general sense of a church-rebel picking and choosing from role models who appeared within-life along the way. But as the exclusive brethren cult had traditionally maintained a general church-rule , of need to shun and totally excommunicate any ex member of their group.Treating such people as if they were dead. Thus this situation developed more to do with my need of following traditionally enforced church-rule , as apposed to it being so much about "life-choices". Certain emotional experiences, and parts of life in general, have led to me adopting a sense of low self esteem. Which is a situation i still deal with from time to time. Through my ongoing interest in science. I find i am able to gather more information to help me better understand my situation. Much about life for me, has often seemed like a massive puzzle.With many missing pieces.
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