Life Can Feel Like It’s Been A Huge Overwhelming Struggle Sometimes

Eight of us kids in our family.Our dad already died of cancer some months before the time that i had turned two year’s old.He was still only aged 38 (if  i’m remembering correctly what i were told).And two siblings of ours had also already not survived either, and had already died and been buried too as well by then.

Our mum then went and appointed our eldest brother as the enforcer of our house.Where six of us kids  that remained alive and our mum lived. I can still well remember all the yelling and screaming, and as well as the violence that had sometimes occurred within that house too.Like the time that my eldest brother was trying to bash-down the toilet door, to get in so as to give our other brother a good beating.I remember standing there crying and pleading that all the anger would stop.Cause i just happen to still have heaps of affections for everyone.But in our family, the most general approach had always been kind of like ,”spare the rod and spoil the child” type of “bent messed-up” mentality. And within our type of cult-life ,normal “natural love”,all too often ran “rather thin”. Folk were made most aware of “devils” and “sin” and all the other silly theist-bullshit like that. Things to do with an-after life, that for all purpose of honesty, the truth is, that still even unto this very moment right now, there is still absolutely no-evidence in even the slightest, to help suggest to us ,that this “after life” , might even factually exist. So our earthly lives were wagered with,in this theistic manner, as if our life on earth were thought to be of so little value

Evidently our dad really also helped to establish that kind of path too, before he had passed on

More than likely, it also really didn’t help these kind of matters much either though, that (unbeknownst to either our dad or mum at the time) some of my siblings were also born on the autism spectrum .Or that there could quite likely also be some sort of ADHD aspect or something like that that were constantly having an detrimental effect on our family-life to boot as well too. For my eldest brother had explored many rather strange things. Doing strange things like nailing our other brother into a banana box, and then throwing him into the creek,so as to see if he may float.Evidently it were just extremely lucky right at that moment, that our dad also happen to be watching at the very-exact time it just happen.And so had had just enough time, to rush out to the rescue.And yet at another different day, this same brother, had decided instead to kindly offer one of our first-cousins to go for a joy ride, by sitting herself on top of a self-propelled reel lawnmower. But an accident happened when the sharp “lawn cutting reel” quickly sliced into the back of her heels.Mincing them up some.

Of course the punishment for this kind of miss-deed, that our dad would then deliver to this autistic-brother, once again was very severe (an according? to some old bible scripture). And were also something that this brother would also learn how to deliver-out to his own children too (later on after he had got married and had had his own children) So in effect, the practice of this kind of violence, then also still just got kind of “passed-on” along the family chain

I still vividly remember how one sister of mine, also seem (to me) to find it like some kind of real fun,for her to actively try dunking my head right under the waves in the surf at the beach. She enjoyed watching  me cough and splutter and very nearly choke to death on gulps of salt water. Leaving me feeling like i were just about to completely drown (to this day i still have some phobia of water,  and so have  still never learned how to swim “properly”). I also remember being constantly teased by other kids at school too,all  because i now had this phobia

This sister, and another sister of mine,as two highly-bored cult members. For some reason would make some of their own kind of fun,to help kill the boredom of cult life, by holding hands together while one of them was also holding onto my hand as well too. While the other one would then quickly grasp onto a live-wire electric fence, that ran right down the back of the place where we lived at that time .I got electric shocks, while they were enjoying the fun so much ,that they held-on .So the outcome of that experience now too, is that i also have developed a phobia of electric-shocks, and so i still really hate to ever feel any electric shocks either .

These days. I now sometimes wonder, if my own? mother might have been somewhere? on the autistic spectrum as well too.

For indeed i also have crazy memory’s of my own mums strange behavior. Such as the one-time that i fell-out through mistaken leaning on the door-handle and thus also opening the  rear car door as we had-rounded the corner at some traffic lights (no kids seat belts back in those days).

My knees were badly beaten and were ripped-up rather badly from after skidding-along on the tar-seal road. However mum still took us both on our original destination, off to church, where mum and other brethren sisters that were also meeting there would then just proceed to try there best to  scrape-out all the grit and gravel from my skinned-knee, and also then applied some iodine ointment or something like that.It happen this way, because of reasons our mum were also always forever so-fearful ,about exclusive brethren teaching, of how we might just miss out on the exact moment that the “rapture” would arrive. If ever caught uncarefull to remain “ever-vigilant” in regard to our faith

So then by the act of her decision in not taking me directly into hospital, for proper examination, or xray .

I would be left with severe tissue scaring on both inside surfaces of one of my knee cap socket. The kind of damage that would then continue to cause me some ongoing pain and discomfort in times ahead, that would later lead on to the final formation of inflammation, swelling and arthritis. Damage that i would just learn to live-with, and would remain unaware of, until some decades later on. When i would get so sore (from the ongoing wear and tear of scarring)  that i finally begged some surgeon to just please at least take a quick wee look inside, by use of micro surgery tools in hospital. Where by they freaked-out, upon finding out exactly how much scarring and damage that they did actually find inside there. Whereby they then also asked me , if i can remember about any past incident, that might help to explain how i might have had this kind of level of damage occur

So after that , by dredging back through these faint memories, one day i did finally begin to remember that faint memory of this past accident happening.Remembering also about how we had never gotten any examination in hospital,due to mum fearing that we might one of those whom might miss the rapture 

Anyway by the time i  had turned age around about 5 to six year old. Suddenly we needed to very quickly learn how to shun and totally disown one of these sisters , as if she had actually died. I remember pleading with our mum, to ask that we shouldnt need to do so. I pleaded with mum, because you see i also happen to still really love thus sister of ours . And im hurting like hell about this

But to no avail.My pleading fell on totally deaf ears.Fell on faithfully deaf-ears in fact. And so from that moment on , we learned to close natural-feelings of family love down, i would then never ever see or get to talk to this sister again , until such time as around about another ten years would first need to pass by. Before i would then finally get to meet this sister once again .

But sadly i cannot honestly add that we would ever get to actually re-unite . For indeed we had already drifted-apart , and would thus never ever get back to feeling truly close to one and other ever again.The thing is , within this time lost, we also do also tend to slowly start to “lose something ” and thus will begin to have grown-apart as well too

So by this time, i have already learned how to suppress some of my own feelings of natural love and human emotion. Thus how some aspects of childhood emotional neglect are already setting in. And so im also already set on a coarse where by i will continue to become un-equipped to ever feel like i can truly afford to allow myself to ever get-close to anyone at all in life

Anyway.By the time i would turn somewhere around 7 or 8 year old (at a guess). Within the fellowship of brethren ,within the lounge-room of the house at my brother and sister in laws own-place. I would soon also see some movies.Movies that at that time, were still of the old reel-type of motion movies too (for there was no such thing as any home-video at that time).

The kitchen table seats were all set up within the lounge of my brother and sister house, and were soon filled by a number of exclusive brethren members as well too.A gathering of brethren members. The three movies (i remember) we all watched together were

1. Charlie Chaplin

2.Documentary of Fiat car production techniques .

3 . An orgy pornographic movie (which might possibly have been named “Debbie does Dallas”, i think) . At a time when pornographic movies were still being treated like illegal-contraband, and so were still totally illegal  for anyone to decide to show

It was “by mistake” that i had still been sitting there within my seat within that lounge, when this particular porno movie-reel had threaded and played.The showing of this movie, had purposely been left until last (because by-then i wasn’t even supposed to still be-awake). They all (the exclusive brethren adults) completely forgot i was still sitting there quietly too,while the Fiat car documentary had played and had finished, and then the porno was finally threaded-up into the movie projector and were played. They completely forgot i was even there within the same room as all  them “miss behaving” brethren folk, until such time as certain actions within the scene of the orgy that progressed,and had suddenly caused the whole room to erupt in rounds of laughter. Due to an act of double penetration

The adults all suddenly went wild.All start laughing and carrying on within their highly drunken-state of mind (they were also all sopping on loads of whisky and suchlike) . An uproar, to which i am also naturally drawn into trying my best to try figuring out “reasons for”  , at myself too even at my “very young” age (as a 7 or 8 year old)

Anyway to cut a long story short, at the very moment that i had quit my silence. And in moments-after im heard (above the drunken laughter)to pipe-up and ask so as for me to verbally try asking them to explain all the-reasons behind depth of all their laughter. Is pretty much the very same moment too, that im suddenly being quickly whisked out of that room, and im promptly being sent packing off to bed.

I was so peeved off about that (IE: about me being sent to bed, after i had been doing my very-best to stay silent for so long, had been watching the movie quietly (like i had been ordered to do) so that others-there could also be able to hear exactly what was that’s being said by actors on the movie screen). That the very next day when i finally awoke, i would also demand to move out of that house right-away,so as to then go and stay over at my sister and brother in laws house instead,  they live in their house on the other side of the same town (and they never thought to even ask me for reason why i chose to leave) .

Even stranger than all this weird stuff . Is this .That after that experience with the porno movie, that within a matter of months (or perhaps a year or so “at the very-maximum”) this sister and brother (where i had demanded to go and stay, my sister and brother in law whom had not been involved in slyly watching any porno movies). Would be soon to make accusations (to members of local exclusive brethren) about a certain local exclusive brethren priest, of whom they had also found out evidence to suggest that he was more than likely actively involved in adultery

But sadly this sister and brother in law was tossed out of the exclusive brethren. Excommunicated . And the exclusive brethren demands were made, that we should now need to totally disown and excommunicate from loving-company of this sister and brother in law too

Yet quite-soon in time to come. The real truth of the matter would soon come-out. For indeed evidence still soon surfaced, that indeed the accusations (my sister and brother in law had already made) were in fact correct. The local priest was indeed actively involved in adultery .

So therefore, my sister and brother in law ,had in fact been wrongfully withdrawn from, While meanwhile, my porno film watching brother and sister in law and exclusive brethren fellowship friends to boot ,has somehow managed to escape any punishments at all, They all remained within the fellowship of the exclusive brethren church

The same exclusive brethren church that lay claim to separate from evil

So you see (reader) how im already been receiving some sort of really morally mixed-up messages here .

1 .I’m surrounded by deluded exclusive brethren followers whom faithfully believe that they are keeping-pure and as such are thus actively separating themselves from evil

2. I’m also surrounded by loads and loads of other deluded non- exclusive brethren faithful folk within this world too . Christian outsiders , most of whom have also been faithfully convinced into believing that the exclusive brethren members (as believing-folk) must thus surely also obviously be just good honest decent caring Christian folk too? right.

 

By now, my excommunicated sister and brother in law, have now given birth to a child that has a very rare genetic disease ( you can google the words : “Maple syrup syndrome children” , for more info on this rare disease if you wish to learn more) . My sister and brother in law are being told that this diseased-child has been born unto them, as punishment due to their own sinful act, of daring to try accusing any (hierarchy) brethren priests

The wee boy would finally pass away dying when aged only around 4 year old.His heart having finally given-up , due to the amount of times he had often lay in hospital, within a state of “near-death” . His wee heart were doing far too-much overtime, while trying to stay alive, whenever he were constantly put back and forth, into emergency hospital care . The wee chap was a lovely wee personality.He would like to jump up onto the couch, would stand up there and sing along to Neil Diamond songs that often were played within that house,while he were also pretending to play “air guitar”

neil-diamond-playing-live

 

However sadly there was never any parent of ours whom were ever there to offer them-two (my sister and brother in law) any kind of parent-support at all.Not even one bit.No not even in the very slightest. Not even for even one single moment of even one single day, thereafter the time that they had first been excomunicated) Due to the fact that my sister and brother excommunication had meant that they had then also lost all contact , with either of their exclusive brethren parents from both side of their marriage. And the same thing too, for awhile, from “some” of us brothers and sisters as well

We buried our nephew. But when i say “we” buried our nephew , im now talking about this really “emotionally broken” and totally fucked-up fragment of a family of mine, one that had  slowly all escape as first of all the escape “dumping” of our single-sister, and then next escape “dumping” of one-couple too, and then after that three more sibling-escapes (including myself) that also slowly continue to happen one by one,these were our random method of slow-escape from within the ranks of the exclusive brethren group.

A family that once upon a time also might have actually even also had a far more decent chance, to just possibly have even near-enough gotten to have been like a real family really should have been able to be

So we all never even learned how to properly love each other.So then, how? the hell were we then ever supposed to even be-able to know-how to properly love other people too whom we will also soon to get to meet along the way.Even sometimes our own children (in any fully proper and decent normal manner).I’d say we still all suffer some ongoing after-effect of the kind of trauma/torture that we have all experienced.And while i do realize how there are some other ex exclusive brethren folk whom have thankfully managed to hold their family scene together far more.Remembering lots of love and laughter.

Well for us, this was just something that it would seem were pretty much  already made more or less pretty much near impossible for our-family to ever be all that likely to ever achieve .

A lot of it kind of come down to simple maths. The odds are kind too often been running against the grain

Some first cousins of ours,have fared far better than our family ever did.But how the hell? can anyone of these folk, ever faithfully think to themselves, it possible that maybe some-God might have played even a small part in being involved in any of this pot-luck kind of destiny  that we have been forced to survive and live-with

Theist folk sure have a tendency , to be apt to take real-notice of evidence that they think helps to shore-up their own faith. While these very same folk also seem to shield themselves from even considering any evidence, that might also instead help suggest that maybe much about life is totally random and as such is also without sign of any real evidence of Gods-handiwork

My own father, had been one member of the local city exclusive brethren church membership where we lived, whom had decided to take an active stand in regards to the immoral disgusting and often sexually crude action that had openly been seen and experienced to have happen at a brethren meeting at Aberdeen, Scotland , when James Taylor Jnr had been so drunk during an exclusive brethren hall church fellowship meeting

You can read more information in regard to this particular incident, via this link here 

Dad had made a personal-stand within our locality. And had taken some heat for his boldness in even daring to accuse a man of God of any such terrible accusations

Not long after this.Or maybe, even at approximately the same time. Our Dad soon also learned, how he in fact, had terminal cancer. He soon died as only a mere gaunt thin skeleton of the man that he once were.

Our dad died while he were also closely contemplating the idea that it was likely to be something about “Gods will” for mankind

He left me a personal-letter, that he-wrote me ,when he were laying on his final death bed. And this letter, was one-half of my total-inheritance . A letter that certain members of family would decide to drag out of the cupboard wherever it was stored,and would read to me from time to time. A kind of highly emotional letter, that (to me when very young) it often used to feel like it had almost cut me in two

I now still have this letter today.It was returned to me. It’s by now looking very tattered old and faded.

Our father was a very family orientated dad (so ive been told anyway). And i personally can confirm that there is evidence that this was indeed a trait of his,that was so much so, that our Dad had also even thought to have purposely gone out and had purchased a camera himself.He did so before he even purchase us our own house (it was for our family to be able to use so as to still help us at least to capture a few happy family moment’s of some memories together) and he had taken photo’ of even some “extended family” that were also camping there with us on these beach holiday camping times together, whenever they were all having loads of fun  camping at the beach. Such as ,friends and family enjoying the fun of riding along upon car-bonnets, that were being towed-fast along behind the car by a rope,in the sand running along the sea-shore at the beach

Some times, when we were young, and were still all lucky to living in contact with each other.We would all gather and sit around and have a special photo viewing evenings within our lounge room at night.And all the photo slides would be dragged out of the cupboard . We would all sit in the dark room, while they would then be displayed through our photo slide projector, which was shone up onto a white bed-sheet that had been pinned-up onto our lounge room wall. And the older kids continued to battle over “exactly” who was who

Those pictures had depicted some past times, that were also of some times that were memories of some far far more happier earlier brethren times together, it  had seemed to me. But mostly those memories were also all of times that had happened before i were even born

Within my life time. I already have had two experiences of the aftermath of both of my elder brothers having attempted to try and use ways to take their own lives through an act of suicide

More than once ,i have experience both these elder  brothers of mine too, to have pretty much acted far more like i would really expect an enemy’s to tend to be more likely to want to act toward me.

The natural usual human attachments have been so thoroughly fucked up

1 One brother more often than  not, always acts as if he would sure as hell be completely happily to choose to just leave me for dead, whenever he had also thought that such-acts would also help him to save his own skin

2 The other brother is educated having been though university. Has personally admitted to me , how he tend to feel better about himself, whenever he can find some way,  to try and make me look worse , than what my brother personal feels about himself

So then.Who? would really need to worry so much about any other type enemy there may be in life. When they already have family members like this

I still have very many more other experiences too that i could still try and continue to recall and write down here too . So that some other folk might perhaps begin to understand reason why i might have become the way i am. Someone whom feel like they don’t have anyone that they can ever really trust

But it wont ever fix it. It wont help to re-write any of this history. And each and every time that another distant memory is being dredged up again from within the dark corners of my mind , where i have purposely tried to file them all away. Well it also always kind of help reestablish that raw wounded feeling that ive spent so many hours of my lifetime, in trying my hardest to bury

However. While i remain silent. Some folk can also only think that im wanting to be this way. That i must choose to be unhappy an emotionally inapt

 

That’s one of the worst things about this ongoing situation with cults. The hurt continues. We continue to feel all kind of abuse, for some things, that we really had never even chosen to take part in, in the first place

Cult members

1 . Must first suffer the consequence of being born into these cults.

2.Then will also still continue to suffer the lasting-effects that will still continue to remain effective even a long time after they had chosen to leave

 

Even after the brethren review had came and went. Some very hurtful things have still continue to cause me to tend to feel like life is continually such a huge struggle, that its just almost too-hard. And while i was still struggling to try and find some way to “come to grips” with all the lies that i had swallowed within the review. Delivered unto me, by certain close family members of mine, of whom i was also trying to believe “were loving” and “honest”.

  1. I also happen to come in contact with this guy here as well too. Someone whom is also constantly getting caught for re-offending
  2. And then not so long after that, and while im still struggling (on my own) to come to grips with everything. And while my metal health still isnt very good, and while there is still no decent support that ive been able to find. Some property neighbors of mine decide that they would also like to turn the stress levels up even higher. Im so lost within my depression, that in the end im finally forced to need to just allow my neighbor to shoot all of the beef that have been running on my property.They do so treating it like its some kind of pleasurable fun . They shoot all my animals in a show-down that someone (whom experienced it visually themselves) later relayed to me that it seemed like he were watching some kind of slaughter that happen at the OK coral . For indeed they all laughed and jeered with joy, as they proceeded to bomb-up my animal with guns. Only stopping to slash off the best cuts of steak, pushing most of the dead animal over a bank where they were then left to rot away. These folk all already know very well for sure, about how i happen to have not even one family member whom would ever actually care to bother to come to my aid. They already know about how im pretty much completely alone, and as such very-used to having my back set against the wall
  3. These same neighbor later on also lit a fire on the back of both of our property where the boundary meets, that got so out of control, that it then burned right out over my property as well too. Destroying loads of trees and bird-life on my property as well too in the process. But im not in any mental condition , to proceed in trying to make any complaints. So once again, they will also get away of this too, Scott-free
  4. Later on after that, i find myself forced into living somewhere with people whom don’t really care about me.I’m forced to be living there because of my ongoing depression, and the effects that that has also had on my ability to earn a living. The person at this place purposely chooses to open and read some of my mail that is been marked as private and confidential , and that is been addressed to me. It has to do with sexual abuse i experienced, as a youth, while i were still living among the exclusive brethren

 

And so on

Now you might be wondering how some adult person would ever just allow this kind of stuff to be happening to them. Its not even like these people could bully me physically , but yet they still know how i’m very vulnerable to this kind of approach. Being that i never have no family around. They also know how i could never ever afford to allow myself to be jailed, for then i would surely stand to also lose most everything that i have struggled so hard to get

And sometimes i still even try and figure this out for myself. Best answer i can still ever think of. Is that this kind of shit has just tended to happen all too often to me within life.That in the end, these days too often now i just start to get so used to it happening, that it also begin to seem like its just the way that the “cookie crumbles” in life.And i find myself learning to how accept it. For indeed there was never anyone in my life, with whom i ever feel close-enough, to think to ever even ask any of them to please come and help me. And other alternatives i can think of always seem to lead me to consider possibility that i might just end up in some jail

Some of you might be asking, why? didn’t this fool just go to the police about this kind of stuff. Well some folks have obviously lead lives that have been very sheltered. Because so happens, that ive also had more than one personal experience, of which has involved some issues with some very crooked-police

Like i already said elsewhere on my blog before. Sometimes you begin to feel like you really dont know of anyone at all, of whom you feel like you can really actually even trust in this life

I’m happy that other ex eb have had very different experiences to what i have. I’m so happy that some ex eb first cousins on mine, have also even experienced life quite differently to me.

But then human life isn’t “cookie-cut” is it

 

 

 

 

 

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About ExEB

I'm a agnostic/atheist . Interested in learning more about science. I also am an "ex-member" of a group most publicly known within modern times, as the Exclusive Brethren. Whom are an off-shoot of the original Plymouth Brethren group. I'd say it likely my personality could possibly be described as quirky.You know ,as in being , unconventional , unorthodox , unusual, off-centre, strange, bizarre, weird, peculiar, odd, freakish, outlandish, offbeat, out of the ordinary, bohemian, alternative, zany I'm sure iv'e been classed as "crazy" . Many times But then, being born into a group like the exclusive brethren. Doesn't lend itself ? to tend to produce things considered as being "very normal" .Does it I escaped the Exclusive Brethren cult as a 15 year old teenager. Even since that time iv'e been trying to adjust to living life outside the cult. With much of my life being lived within the genre of "wild colonial boy" style. In the general sense of a church-rebel picking and choosing from role models who appeared within-life along the way. But as the exclusive brethren cult had traditionally maintained a general church-rule , of need to shun and totally excommunicate any ex member of their group.Treating such people as if they were dead. Thus this situation developed more to do with my need of following traditionally enforced church-rule , as apposed to it being so much about "life-choices". Certain emotional experiences, and parts of life in general, have led to me adopting a sense of low self esteem. Which is a situation i still deal with from time to time. Through my ongoing interest in science. I find i am able to gather more information to help me better understand my situation. Much about life for me, has often seemed like a massive puzzle.With many missing pieces.
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