The Empath In Recovery: Step 3 – Shrink The Internal Critic (Judge)

Modern day artificial intelligence (AI) used with google and youtube i feel has already begun to be beneficial for myself. Helping to gather the kind of information ive been looking to find.

Compared to my experience with human health practitioner anyway

I went to see a psychologist, twice over, for a number of counseling sessions each time. Happening around 8 year apart. First time around, i felt worse off after the end of the sessions. I failed to figure out, for myself, why that might be at that time. Figured it must surely be myself, who was the one who’s ultimately to blame

Fast forward around 8 years later. Once again i were recommended to go give this same counselor another try.Which i happily complied with. Because that’s in my own nature to do.

During first few session,more or less right away a frustration began to set in. Then suddenly it dawned on me how i felt like i were needing to teach the psychologist who’s well regarded psychologist around these parts, about ins and outs of cult life, plus also STILL needing to STOP  to try my best to explain what all the cult jargon would mean

A counseling session might go something like this (perhaps not exact word for word). I’d be discussing the situation of being “shut up” within Brethren. To the extent of like what ive described here on this blog before

  1. Id say, how we were both been  “shut up” at the time (myself and our mum)
  2.  the counselor would say, oh so you were required to “be quiet” for awhile then. But how can that be so disturbing to anyone to need to experience?

Bingo , it suddenly dawned on me, what had been going wrong all along. My counselor was not in the know about exactly what this kind of situation, would involve

I’d try and explain that it were way more than that. It was more like a Nazi SS officer interrogation style session each every time the two priests came back around to see us at our home where we were isolated within mid term school holiday break. Something more closely alike situation of what holocaust survivor had experienced. While we were forced into living, alone just the two of us, in complete isolation. Not allowed any contact with Brethren member of the Brethren congregation. Or not allowed any social contact with worldly non eb either. It were school holidays. Our mother would be beside herself with deep sadness and would be busily beating herself up, and would sit there and knit, for days and days on end, with tears constantly streaming down her face like running water .While i’d need to watch. And  then begin to blame it all on myself

Few minutes later . I’d need to re-explain , again , so my counselor would get things right, what they would need to write down for record-keeping

I though hey. Hold on. If ive already been through and explained all this stuff in great detail already once, around 8 year back. And you didn’t remember. Perhaps because you failed to actually fully comprehend exactly what it is what im been trying my utmost best to explain to you

‘Then why will it be any better, now then, this time around?

After the end of the session, when i’d gone back home. I began to contemplate this situation more. I figured, this is extremely bad for my own health and well being

This is merely a small snippet of what ive been struggling against, ever since  time when i left the Brethren cult. Because cults are so rare here in NZ. And its only the few unlucky children who are born into them

The health system isn’t even been geared to know how to offer help

Meanwhile the health people are looking at us, as if its something wrong to do with us, who’s not listening good enough. And so on

I’d even gone so far, myself, as to begin to try to believe them

40 years +, trying to get through to health people. Trying to explain, that i really need practical help and UNDERSTANDING more than anything else. Not this or that drug or any of the other concoction of drugs, for trail for chemical imbalance, and so on

40 years of my life, on and off, wasted away on battling with the trained hierarchy of our mental health system

Now i also have other related health problems to deal with now too

Im still looking for a silver lining to this scenario now though. Trying to look forward, rather than back to situation of what i’ll never change now. I’ll hopefully do what ever i can TO HELP  make this situation cease to occur

I doubt they even pondered what other kind of scenario might also stem from this. For instance, would they consider how my inability to sleep well at night, might then leave me tired  and exhausted at morning-time?. Would cause me troubles with unhappy boss, who’d never “understand” themselves why i’m like i am. And so on

So many other scenario too. But i cannot be bothered , to talk about them here.I’d rather forget them. I’m pretty much done with looking back

 

 

 

About ExEB

I'm a agnostic/atheist . Interested in learning more about science. I also am an "ex-member" of a group most publicly known within modern times, as the Exclusive Brethren. Whom are an off-shoot of the original Plymouth Brethren group. I'd say it likely my personality could possibly be described as quirky.You know ,as in being , unconventional , unorthodox , unusual, off-centre, strange, bizarre, weird, peculiar, odd, freakish, outlandish, offbeat, out of the ordinary, bohemian, alternative, zany I'm sure iv'e been classed as "crazy" . Many times But then, being born into a group like the exclusive brethren. Doesn't lend itself ? to tend to produce things considered as being "very normal" .Does it I escaped the Exclusive Brethren cult as a 15 year old teenager. Even since that time iv'e been trying to adjust to living life outside the cult. With much of my life being lived within the genre of "wild colonial boy" style. In the general sense of a church-rebel picking and choosing from role models who appeared within-life along the way. But as the exclusive brethren cult had traditionally maintained a general church-rule , of need to shun and totally excommunicate any ex member of their group.Treating such people as if they were dead. Thus this situation developed more to do with my need of following traditionally enforced church-rule , as apposed to it being so much about "life-choices". Certain emotional experiences, and parts of life in general, have led to me adopting a sense of low self esteem. Which is a situation i still deal with from time to time. Through my ongoing interest in science. I find i am able to gather more information to help me better understand my situation. Much about life for me, has often seemed like a massive puzzle.With many missing pieces.
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